What influence does parenting have over a child’s sexuality or gender issues?

This is a big topic, and I want to tread with caution. On one side, parents can be unfairly blamed when a child experiences same-sex attraction or identifies as LGBTQ. On the other hand, I don’t think we should deny that childhood dynamics, experiences, and trauma can affect us—including our sexuality.

There is a delicate balance here. We don’t want to blame parents for their child’s sin, but we also don’t want to ignore patterns that may help us better understand what someone is experiencing.

We Don’t Blame Parents for Their Child’s Sin

I want to make this clear from the beginning: we don’t blame parents for their child’s sin and choices.

Each person will stand before God and give an account for his or her own life.

At Calibrate, we have a parents ministry for parents of LGBTQ children, and we are very careful not to heap shame on parents. I’ve known parents who have been hurt by Christians making assumptions about what they must have done wrong because their child experienced same-sex attraction.

We don’t want to use patterns or family dynamics as a weapon against parents.

We want understanding, not blame.

Understanding can help us minister to people who are already struggling, and it can help us as we seek to shepherd our children in the future. We need a massive amount of grace toward parents.

Family Dynamics and Childhood Experiences Matter

At the same time, I don’t believe we should say that childhood experiences have no effect on sexuality.

There are patterns that have been observed for decades. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi did a lot of work trying to understand some of these patterns, and today his son, Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Jr., is continuing that work.

Two patterns that I have seen discussed and have observed in people’s lives are father wounds and sexual abuse.

In some men who experience same-sex attraction, there can be an emotionally distant father alongside an emotionally enmeshed, overbearing, or highly anxious mother. I’ve seen woundedness from fathers in the lives of men who later experienced same-sex attraction.

Sexual abuse is another factor that cannot simply be dismissed. I’ve ministered to people who see a connection between abuse they experienced and later struggles with their sexuality.

That doesn’t mean we make assumptions about everyone. We shouldn’t put people into boxes.

But when someone tells us that abuse profoundly affected him or her, we shouldn’t deny the effects that abuse had.

Three Different Categories for Parents to Consider

When I think about these family dynamics, I see three broad categories that can help us approach them carefully.

1. Sin, Abuse, or Neglect

Sometimes there is blatant sin toward a child.

A father may be emotionally or physically abusive. A child may experience rejection or genuine neglect.

When that happens, there are areas where parents need to repent and ask for God’s mercy—and His mercy is available to them.

2. Parents Doing Their Best With Blind Spots

The second category is very different.

None of us are perfect parents.

Some dads simply weren’t raised in an environment where emotional connection happened. As adults, they may have a difficult time connecting with their own children.

A dad may connect easily with one son because they have similar personalities, interests, or hobbies. Then another son may be more sensitive or artistic and completely different from his father. The father may genuinely struggle to know how to affirm and connect with that son.

Sometimes there may be willful negligence that needs repentance.

Other times, it may simply be a blind spot—a parent doing the best he knows how to do and not realizing what his child needs.

We want to give grace there.

3. A Healthy Environment With Misperceptions

The third category is when the environment may actually be healthy, but the child misperceives what is happening.

Our hearts can deceive us. We can misperceive things. Scripture tells us, “our hearts are deceitful.” (Jer 17:9)

Consider a dad who works a lot.

Maybe he’s made an idol out of work and is neglecting his family. Maybe he doesn’t want to engage at home and uses work as an excuse.

But it could also be that his family needs to eat and he is doing whatever he can to provide for them. His motivation may be honorable.

A young boy may not understand the difference. He may simply experience his dad’s absence as rejection.

Those misperceptions can grow and create a gap in a child’s relationship with his father.

That’s why we have to carefully ask what is actually happening. Is this a child’s misperception? Is it a parental blind spot? Or is there genuine sin, abuse, or neglect?

Our response will be different depending on the answer.

Understanding the Lies We Believe

I believe Romans 1 gives us an important biblical framework for thinking about this.

Romans 1 describes people exchanging the truth about God for a lie. That exchange leads to sinful desires, including desires for the same gender.

Part of discipleship, then, is understanding the lies we have believed.

What contributed to those lies?

What were those lies?

Family dynamics and sexual abuse can contribute to the lies a person believes. When a child is sexually abused, for example, that child can begin believing lies about himself or herself.

Those lies don’t remove personal responsibility for sin. We are still culpable for our own sin.

But by God’s grace, He can reveal the lies we have believed and help us exchange them for His truth.

Understanding Our Past Is Part of Discipleship

I think there is an important balance here.

I want to understand the lies that I have believed. I want to understand how my past affected me.

At the same time, even if I don’t receive a full understanding of my past, I will be obedient to Christ.

I’m not going to make demands on God that He give me complete understanding before I obey Him.

Instead, I want to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal lies that I may have believed so that I can exchange them for God’s truth.

Sometimes understanding our past can help us find healing. But obedience to Christ doesn’t depend upon having every question about our past answered.

My Own Story Shows How Complicated This Can Be

My siblings and I all grew up in the same environment.

Some of it was really good, and some of it was bad.

I ended up identifying as gay and experiencing same-sex attraction. My siblings didn’t.

But all four of us are sinners.

We have different personalities and different hearts, and our unique personalities responded to the same circumstances in different ways. Those circumstances contributed to different sin issues in each of our lives.

That’s another reason we shouldn’t assume that one particular family dynamic will produce the same result in every child.

We all need Christ.

Parents, Your Shepherding Matters

As parents, we need to understand that our child’s greatest need is a new heart that only Jesus can give.

We should be on our knees praying for our children and shepherding them with wisdom.

Our children are going to struggle with something. Our shepherding matters. Our family dynamics matter. Our emotional attachment to our children matters.

At the end of the day, though, we have to give the results to God.

We trust our children’s hearts and souls to the Lord and keep praying for them.

We approach parenting with humility. We repent where we’ve done wrong. We apologize for mistakes as the Lord reveals them to us. And we trust that the Lord loves our children far beyond what we as parents ever could.

“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:1-2

We Need to Shepherd More Than Behavior

Part of our job as parents should be helping our children process the lies they may be believing as they move through childhood, adolescence, and eventually adulthood.

What messages are they receiving from us?

What messages are they receiving from the world?

How are they processing those messages?

Those conversations require humility.

I think previous generations sometimes had a blind spot here. Parenting could become primarily about teaching a system of morality: this behavior is immoral, that behavior is immoral, and don’t bring shame on the family by doing those things.

Keeping commandments is not the ultimate goal of parenting. The ultimate aim of parenting is that our children would “set their hope in God” (Psalm 78:7) or as Paul says, that our children would become “wise for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ” (2 Timothy 3:15). If they love Christ, they will keep his commandments.

What’s missing from the “system of morality” approach is shepherding the child’s heart.

Regardless of how well we parent, our children will still have sin issues. They can still misperceive things. They can still believe lies about themselves and others.

To the best of our ability, we need to understand what is happening in their hearts and shepherd them toward Christ.

There Is Grace for Parents

If you are the parent of an LGBTQ child, please hear no shame from me.

We are all trying to figure out parenting to the best of our ability.

We need to surrender our children to Christ. We need to pray. We need wisdom. And when God reveals areas where we’ve gone wrong, we should have the humility to repent.

If you’re an individual struggling with same-sex attraction, know that God’s grace is sufficient.

God’s grace doesn’t mean that He has no boundaries for us. His boundaries themselves are an expression of His grace. He can reveal the lies we have believed as we continue following Him.

That process takes a lifetime.

But it is a journey worth going on.